Questions I Ask Myself During Lockdown
What would I do without you?
Questions I ask Myself During Lockdown is a photographic story by Ning Zhou, a Chinese artist currently living in London. Ning Zhou photographs herself and her partner during the lockdown period producing a black and white project. The story revolves around raising simple yet touching questions on her practice as a photographer, her relationship with her girlfriend, and with her parents, eventually leading the viewer to the central theme - loneliness - a familiar emotional turmoil during the unavoidable lockdown.
The subjects in the photographs rarely look into the camera. The turned away stare resonates with the struggles of the viewer, caught in a similar situation. However, the artist decides to close the story with a tint of hope, asking the final question, “What would I do without you?’
Ning Zhou is a queer artist who raises questions connected to gender and relationships through the prism of mental health and personal experiences. We speak with Ning about the effect a continuous lockdown has on mental health, the series of questions that appear as short descriptions for each image, and touch on the topic of borderline personality disorder. Ning shares a personal story about the gift she received from her parents on her birthday and the questions it raised. She explains, “I think that some questions, which I ask myself have always existed, but they may have been magnified during the epidemic.”
Should I get up?
‘Continuous lockdown does affect my mental health. I remember that I used to be a very social person and I would go to parties every week.’
How do you think the continuous lockdown has affected you on a personal level and as an artist?
Continuous lockdown does affect my mental health. I remember that I used to be a very social person and I would go to parties every week. Beer just doesn't taste good anymore when I drink it alone. As an artist, my work is also limited by the pandemic, for example, I had to cancel the production of my short film Ensemble of Insomniacs which I had been working on for six months because I was not able to take the risk.
Anyway, people are flexible. I have been forcing myself to accept and get used to this new normal life as fast as I can, such as setting a clear working schedule and organizing myself to avoid some unnecessary mental breakdowns. In the past year, I think I was pretty productive, and many of my satisfactory works were completed between 2020 and 2021. I found a way to continue working under this restricted circumstance. I will not say that I was 100% positive during this period, but I am working hard in that direction!
Should I give up?
‘I think that some questions, which I ask myself have always existed, but they may have been magnified during the epidemic.’
How long are we going to be stuck together?
The name of the project implies there are questions you wanted to resolve artistically during this period. What is the most important understanding you reached, and what is the question that remains yet unanswered?
I started to shoot this project during the UK Christmas lockdown, which I found extremely difficult. My original intention to make this project was connected to some negative emotions I had, and I knew that some friends around me were depressed as well. I wanted it to resonate with people; it is not just a single person going through this difficult time. Everyone does. The most important understanding I reached by doing this project is that people need to encourage and support each other to get through this period together.
I think that some questions, which I ask myself have always existed, but they may have been magnified during the epidemic. I have clear answers to some of these questions, for example, I will definitely not get a dog at the moment, and I will not treat my life negatively. But of course, some questions still remain unanswered. Can I tell you later if I find out?
I want to share the story behind the series - Should I feel happy about my parent’s gift? - I had my 25th birthday in January, and on the morning of my birthday, I was woken up by the doorbell. I received three packages from China with my parents’ names on them. I opened them in the living room, everything suddenly fell out and scattered on the floor; there were 300 masks, 4 protective suits, and 4 protective glasses. After my partner helped me organize those masks, we looked at each other and said this sentence at the same time, “This is too depressing.” I know that my parents in China are also very worried about me, but they can’t do much about it. But should I feel happy about this gift?
Is there a better solution than alcohol?
‘In 2019, I was diagnosed with a borderline personality disorder by three different doctors. The manifestation of this disorder is that my emotions and self-awareness are always in an unstable state.’
You mentioned that books affect your work. What were you reading during the lockdown, or what is the most interesting thought you can remember from the book you read?
During the lockdown, I actually spent most of my leisure time watching movies, playing computer games, and making dumplings. I didn't read many books. The book I am reading now is called The Examined Life: How We Lose and Find Ourselves written by psychoanalyst Stephen Grosz. It is composed of many short stories that happened between the author and patients. There is one story about a patient who always used jokes to cover up her true emotions. The patient said, “If I didn't laugh about stuff, I'd be angry most of the time… My jokes defuse my anger… I stop thinking about it." This story just reminds me of myself.
In 2019, I was diagnosed with a borderline personality disorder by three different doctors. The manifestation of this disorder is that my emotions and self-awareness are always in an unstable state. I don’t know which is the best way to deal with it. I have been taking medications and seeing a therapist too. And joking about it is also one of the ways. Many of my 'funny' works are based on personal traumas. I don’t find it problematic to present them in the form of joking. It makes my problem tolerable and talkable. But this story makes me think about why I always choose this form:. Am I avoiding discussing the problem? Am I hiding myself behind it? Am I afraid to face the emotion directly?
I made a short film called Addickted in 2020, which was about how I was looking for my dick. It was based on a true joke my mother told me when I was five years old. She said, when she gave birth to me, I actually had a dick, but I lost it when I was playing in a park. I just realized that subconsciously I never found that my childhood experience was funny. It was different but not special. However, I can't tell this story bluntly because I am afraid that I cannot control my emotions. That is why Addickted is a comedy.
Why do I always worry so much?
What was the reason to choose black and white photography for this project?
The reason is very simple - to re-involve myself in the process of producing photography, just like before the epidemic. And I can only develop black and white films at home. So shooting on black and white film is an easier and cheaper choice for me.
Many of my other projects are also in black and white. The purpose is not to make the picture’s color ‘simpler’ or out of nostalgia. The world we can see with our eyes is always colorful, the black and white visual is something we cannot see. I want my projects to have a sense of detachment from the reality we are living in.
When can I fall asleep?
‘When I re-created these confusing moments through photography, I realized that I had grown a lot. I hope this project can really encourage people to continue creating and believing.’
Are there people outside?
What is ejaculation?
Which moment from this project is most precious to you?
I think the most precious moment is when I wrote down these questions. I recalled what happened in the past year; how many times I have been full of doubts and felt that life cannot continue, but I got through it. I think everyone's courage is worthy of praise. When I re-created these confusing moments through photography, I realized that I had grown a lot. I hope this project can really encourage people to continue creating and believing: life is getting better and better! And hopefully, we can meet each other in person soon :)
